Friday, September 28, 2007

Alright Is All Right by Me

Fighting about all right and alright? Kiss and make up. I’m here to help.

A huffy and angry Warriner in English Composition and Grammar (1988) warns, “There is no such word as alright.”

Harrumph. So there. It doesn’t exist.

Yeah, but, everyone’s writing it that way.

Let’s check another source, this one from 1998. My rock Gardener (who has never once thanked me for all the accolades I throw in his direction) proclaims: “Alright for all right has never been accepted as standard in AmE. Still, the one-word spelling may be coming into acceptance in BrE.”

Oh, dear. The master might lose his adoring student (that’s me) over this matter. So, off I run to the Oxford English Dictionary and, sure enough, the Brits are not at all put off by alright. However, they do direct the seeker as follows: “Adjective, adverb & noun. See all right.”

Oxford adds, “The spelling alright is often considered erroneous, but cf. analogous already, although, etc.”

And so I do.

I think it’s all right to allow alright to fly free. I know this is the right decision, because MS Word’s grammar check doesn’t put a cautionary red line under the word. Mind you, you're hearing this from a prescriptivist. (MS Word doesn't approve the word prescriptivist.)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Elderly Is a Bowed Back

On this morning’s news, I was shocked and dismayed to hear that a 62-year-old “elderly woman” had been attacked in her own home!

Well, get over it, Joan. Mugging is a way of life among druggies, and non-druggies haven’t gotten fed up enough to fight back.

Yes, but if I get mugged after my next birthday next April, a news writer at my local television station will feel free to spit out the same headline: “Elderly Woman Mugged!”

Me? Elderly?

Help!

While Gardener believes that “[T]his adjective is a euphemism for aged or old” (Dictionary of Modern Usage, 242), I maintain that it suggests a certain degree of physical disintegration that bows the back, shrinks the skull, and elongates the ears. None of this has happened to me yet, so naturally I get a little shook up when I’m about to be labeled elderly. What can I do? Avoid getting mugged?

I wonder if the adjective would have applied if that unfortunate mugging victim had made television news with a more positive occurrence—say, winning the lottery or knocking out an opponent in a wrestling match. In that case, they’d probably call her feisty.

But, when I think about a few well known women who are around my age, I can’t imagine hearing them called “elderly”: Cher, Dolly Parton, Liza Minnelli, Jessye Norman. How about Jane Fonda and Martha Stewart? They’re even older. And, let’s not forget the oldest loud woman in the world, Joan Rivers.

So, elderly seems to be reserved for women without fame, money, or position who suffer from some sort of physical malady. Well, so far in life, I've managed to get by without meeting any of these requirements. Whew. Now I don't have to worry about being mugged.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Oprah, CNN: A Formerly Badly Picture of I & Lucy

Oprah, dearest, what's to be done about those lexical and grammatical flubs you toss so carelessly into the television airwaves? That’s not “a picture of Nelson Mandela and I”; it’s a picture of Nelson Mandela and me.

And, please don’t feel “badly” [sic] about messing up nominatives and objectives or adjectives and adverbs. Sure, the mess ups are badly done, but only about two people in the entire English-speaking world care. However, we two people feel bad, because people listen to you and, alas, copy you as well.

Oprah's not the only public person to commit grammatical misdemeanors. CNN commentators, who really should know better, have nothing on her. Last week, a CNN anchor—Jim Something—said that Fred Thompson had "formerly" announced that he was running for president. Formerly!

Worse, he referred to my beautiful Luciano Pavarotti as Lucy-ano Pavarotti! How could he have done that? In fact, he did it twice; then, someone must have kicked him under the table, for he suddenly began to pronounce his name correctly.

I'm telling you, television people do dreadful dark evils to English.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Her Is Fighting With He?

Is it possible? Could it be? I can’t absolutely confirm this, but, unless mine ears doth lie, I heard CNN news reporter Paul Steinhauser say in reference to Hillary Clinton, “Her and Barack Obama are fighting it out.” Tsk-tsk. (Really perplexing is the fact that Microsoft’s grammar checker doesn’t find fault with this construction.)

Horrified, I began to flick through the channels looking for grammar relief. But, I was in for one linguistic dismay after another.

  1. From a morning newscaster: “It is now 6:15, or somethin’ like that.”
  2. From another newscaster: “Heath Leger and Michelle Williams have split up.” (Not so much a grammar problem, but who are these people and why is this news?)
  3. From yet another newsperson: “What a beach bummer for people in New Jersey.”
  4. From someone selling a product: “I’m a very picky eater. All the things I was eating normal.” ( Microsoft’s grammar checker doesn’t find fault with this construction either.)
  5. From another salesperson: “This is incredible, amazing, wonderful. This just blows you away.”

I hear a superheroine named "Word Girl” is now buzzing through the airwaves of children’s entertainment. Good luck, kid. Could you fly by CNN and give them a few pointers?

By the way, Microsoft Word’s Spellchecker approves of the word “superhero,” but draws a red line of warning under the word “superheroine."